I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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