I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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