I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize
