doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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