I got her a Nickelback box set.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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