The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
