Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
