the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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