i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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