Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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