those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
