I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
No more Irish car bombs ever.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
