Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
is that a dick in a sweater?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
