I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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