Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
