I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
