she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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