I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
