i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
