I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize