That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
