I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
