So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
