So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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