Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
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