i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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