Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
