Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
