I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
