Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
