Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Enjoy the penises
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
