I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm getting married
To pizza
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
