I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
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