Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
