My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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