the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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