she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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