i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
