I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
