Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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