I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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