Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
