i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize