after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
