I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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