o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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