I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
