so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Randomize
