ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
