he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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