I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
