Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
