As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
