Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
