woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
