I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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