Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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