There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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