soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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