Soap is not a condiment
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
