she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
